According to recent reports, Jenny Fishburn, a sophomore general studies major and self-described princess, is as of now, “over it.” The “it” that Fishburn is referring to is an incident that occurred last weekend at an undisclosed fraternity party in which her ex-boyfriend, Chase Michaels, was observed making small talk with a group of individuals, […] Read more
As Debra Barber finishes a bit of spring cleaning, she audibly reminds herself how blessed she is. Her son, Dale Barber, is finishing his English degree at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln this spring. He is unsure what he’ll be doing after graduation, other than “finally having time to write what needs to be written.” “The […] Read more
Clyde Markson, a freshman living on floor seven of Abel, describes himself as a “medium-level guitarist.” After fumbling his way through “Free Fallin’,” he revealed that playing guitar is a “passion of mine.” According to Markson, he was inspired to be a rock star in his seventh grade music appreciation class, though he didn’t actually […] Read more
In a polarizing executive order that continues to send echoes through campus, recently elected ASUN President Eric Reznicek has killed seven UNL students in a series of unmanned drone attacks. The ASUN Presidency, typically a position used for minor fund allocation changes and resumé fillers, has been subjected to harsher investigation since the bombings that […] Read more
Following the renewal of the Newspaper Readership Program at the University of Nebraska at Lincoln, despite the unfavorable vote the program received from the recent student elections, undergraduates across campus continue in their goal to wipe out literacy once and for all. “We all know damn well that reading and words are pure evil,” frat […] Read more
Despite its omnipotent presence and enormous price tag, no one has ever been seen entering or leaving the Jackie Gaughan Multicultural Center. UNL head caretaker Clarence Johnson has independently confirmed that no member of his staff has ever set foot in the facility. Indeed, they don’t even have keys. “We see silhouettes of people in […] Read more
Though few Nebraskans know the meaning of the word unicameral, we know all too well of State Sen. Ernie Chambers. The representative from the 11th District of Omaha, known for suing God and demanding the Pledge of Allegiance be abolished from schools, is at it again. In his bill LB69420, Chamber calls for mandatory flag […] Read more
Following several hours of friendly socializing in a fun and laid-back environment, a local house party Friday night took a turn for the worse when a group of white people showed up. Prior to their arrival, party guests enjoyed pleasant conversations with each other while drinking assorted beverages to the sound of a well-put-together playlist […] Read more
Late Friday evening, one of Lincoln’s most admired mud puddles was marred by an unfortunate encounter with a pair of women’s Ugg boots as they trampled over the mixture of soil and water. The owner of the mud puddle, a homeless man by the name of Amos, expressed outrage at the incident. “Son of a […] Read more
Dale Goonwitch doesn’t mind working as much as he used to. In fact, he minds very little at all as of late. “My soul has been off for the past four months,” Goonwitch said. “I feel better. I mean, not better, but at least not worse.” Goonwitch is an assistant manager at Bags of Stuff, […] Read more
