It has been a long couple of weeks for sophomore Stephen Daniels. Since the release of “American Sniper”, the patriotic general studies major has been constantly fighting back criticism of his hero, Chris Kyle. The storm of criticism surrounding the Clint Eastwood production has been “disheartening”, Daniels admits. “It’s really hard to understand how someone […] Read more
In an unexpected announcement this Wednesday, United Airlines stated that it will begin limiting its passengers to only twenty pounds of emotional baggage per plane ticket. The crackdown comes as a response to frequent complaints about “sad-looking” travellers and staff on the company’s website. According to a spokesperson for the airline,“This change in policy will […] Read more
In a nail-biting finishing, the Republican party have won the war on Christmas 3-2, after Republican John Boeher scored the game-winning run by passing a bill making the term “Happy Holidays” illegal in all 50 states. “I’m just so pleased on what this team has accomplished,” a half-smiling Boehner said. “Because of our triumphs, we […] Read more
“Sometimes, our crusades for divination lead us to strange places,” said Rev. Grant Havel as he walked along a stony road, following the North Star to, literally, God knows where. Rev. Havel, one of the newest religious nomads following the North Star, hoped to find “something…with God in it or something” as he kept travelling […] Read more
Little Annie Remington, 81, did not expect that her family would be able to celebrate a truly festive and bright Christmas this year as she brought out her infamous holiday fruitcake, which had actually achieved atomic half-life. “Oh, dearie, was I surprised when I unwrapped that fruitcake,” Remington said, who never knew that a balding […] Read more
In a shocking statement last Saturday, local millennial Lisa Winter described her hatred for HBO’s hit show, “Girls.” “I just don’t like it,” she slurred drunkenly to Stella Bower. “It’s too depressing, and I don’t appreciate its portrayal of young women. I actually can’t relate to them. They just don’t get it, and it really […] Read more
In an Oct. 29 press release, FAA Spokeswoman Janet White announced the suspension of all inbound witch broom flights from West Africa. The measure follows pressure from sorcery officials who are concerned about the possibility of witchcraft spreading in the U.S. “By most measures, witchcraft is not contagious. It can only be spread by a […] Read more
Through a long and complicated breeding, gene splicing and enzyme injection process, warlocks at Monstano have successfully implanted pumpkin spiced latte DNA into the common pumpkin. “They said it couldn’t be done, that it was a crime against nature,” said Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant. “Who’s laughing now, huh? Who’s playing God now?” Critics are saying […] Read more
In a decisive victory for skeletons and skelesexual people throughout the country, the United States Supreme Court has voted 5-4 to overturn a federal ban on skeletal marriage. In what some consider to be the most terrifying day imaginable, skeletons across the country have taken to the streets to celebrate the court’s decision. This landmark […] Read more
At first, local boy Adam Frasier felt a wave of warm relief as his father calmed him, saying that there are no monsters under the boy’s bed. “Haha, no, son, there are no monsters under there,” reassured Leon Frasier, 38, to his son, 6. “It’s way too small for anything to sit under there.” “Plus, […] Read more
