As Americans around the country prepare for their annual late-November feast, President Obama traditionally pardoned one Thanksgiving turkey as a sign of good will. However, Obama’s move wasn’t received as well as the public had anticipated. This year, the pardoned turkey would much rather be roasted and sitting on the dining room table of a […] Read more
The latest round of emails released by Wikileaks has revealed that Sesame Street icon Cookie Monster receives a salary from Nabisco, manufacturers of some of America’s most popular cookie brands such as Oreo and Chips Ahoy! The revelation has thrown into question the integrity of one of America’s most cherished institutions. In the leaked emails […] Read more
After a highly confounding election season, Nate Silver is no longer the political mastermind he was four years ago. After correctly predicting the 2012 presidential election and launching the ESPN sister site FiveThirtyEight, Silver was anointed the king of the political projections. However, after 18 months of incorrect projections, bad map forecasts and ultimately guessing […] Read more
Dan Oterman is fed up with 2016. He is fed up with this election. He is just fed up. Oterman, like many individuals in this country, is unhappy about the current presidential election and its two main candidates, Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton. Between Trump’s excessive lying and Clinton’s shaky history with Wall Street, Oterman […] Read more
In an unprecedented move for a major party candidate, Donald Trump is refusing to say whether he’ll trick or treat this Halloween. In the history of U.S. elections, presidential candidates have always made it indisputably clear whether they’ll trick or treat. Trump’s opponent Hillary Clinton, who according to Gallup polls is not considered trustworthy by […] Read more
With pressure mounting, Sen. Deb Fischer finally, formally announced that she has no clue what she’s doing. “I’m excited to eliminate any uncertainty and put this behind us so we can get back to work,” she said. “It’s true: I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. It turns out I’m a few riders shy […] Read more
Rest easy, millennials: following years of heated debate and uncertainty, a solution for rising higher education costs has finally been found. President Obama announced a new initiative on Friday to help college students deal with skyrocketing tuition rates. The plan? To sell cheap, tasteless candy bars to neighbors and coworkers who don’t want them, out […] Read more
While on a temporary leave of absence, God, the omnipotent creator, and overseer of the universe, decided to take a stroll down to His kingdom to see how mankind was faring. He was displeased. In His anguish, God decided to hold a worldwide conference to address the matter with which He took most issue. “Who […] Read more
In an effort to achieve political fairness in the continuing coverage of the approaching election, several media sources have announced that they will be starting trial runs of a new system to ensure journalistic integrity. Sources within several leading news corporations have released a statements elaborating on the new practices. “It’s very important that we […] Read more
After telling his friend he had seen it multiple times, sources say that Dustin Edwards held a conversation for an excruciating 30 seconds about a movie he hadn’t actually seen. After conversing with Jessica Woodard for roughly 10 minutes at a party last Saturday, Edwards decided to take a leap of faith and say he […] Read more
