It is so aggravating to watch serial killers today. As a–I hate to be arrogant–masterful serial killer, I do understand the challenges that face these guys. It’s hard to get girls (or whatever your preference is) to be alone with you long enough to kill them and leave your signature on the crime scene, sure. […] Read more
Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. What, me? I was just composing my next girl-meets-boy pop song. It’s just something I do in my spare time, as I’m awkward and can never live out my dreams of being with the cutest guy in high school. It’s truly a shame that these fanciful love stories […] Read more
So you embarrassed yourself at a party last night when you revealed your ignorance of classic literature? Oh, don’t worry, I’m not going to judge you. Why do you think they created me? Just give me five minutes of your time and you can gain the respect of just about every student at UNL, or […] Read more
As I sit in line behind all the other dead mice waiting to see if they are going to mouse heaven or mouse hell, I have been contemplating what my life meant. I realized the way I died, trying to eat a piece of perfectly aged extra-sharp cheddar cheese while a fast-moving piece of metal […] Read more
You people just don’t seem to understand. There’s only two things worth living for in this life: me, CONOR FUCKING OBERST, and my music. Everything else is just petty bullshit. There was a while where I thought you understood. You all bought Digital Ash, and I was totally phoning it in on that one. Did […] Read more
My fellow freedom-fighting Americans, we are in crisis mode. If you haven’t heard, Sarah Palin didn’t show up to the Conservative Political Action Conference convention this last week. If you have even half a brain, you know just how unfortunate that is. But don’t panic! This doesn’t mean she isn’t going to run for President […] Read more
Hello again my fellow freedom-protecting Americans. I want to thank you all for loving this country as much as I do, and showing up last month to tell Obama how bad he was doing! I wish more of you would have showed up in Nevada… but we got the point across even without defeating the […] Read more
By Jim Walton Recently I was watching a documentary about how half of the world’s population makes less than two dollars a day. This made me very angry. How can people be so stupid? I mean, making money isn’t that hard. All you have to do is wait until your dad dies and then inherit […] Read more
Patriots, friends and Americans, we are at a crossroads in this country. America is changing, and not for the better. Since Obama has taken control, he has presided over a government takeover of not one but two major aspects of American life, health care and finance. And after what happened to Dr. Laura a couple […] Read more
