Nicolas Sarkozy, elected president of France in May 2007, is facing what may be the most difficult political hurdle in a long career. In light of the increased risk of extremist violence and wide association with the oppression of women, a parliamentary task force has issued a long-expected finding: ban the president in public places.

The commission issued a 200-page report outlining numerous threats posed by the French president. It called for Parliament to ban Sarkozy, stating that “this dumbass is contrary to the values of the Republic” and that “all of France is saying ‘no’ to this tool.” In its most emphatic statement, the report declared that “being Nicolas Sarkozy is a challenge to our Republic. This is unacceptable. We must condemn this dickhead.”

Fatima Nassir, a French social worker who wears the full burka veil in a nod to her cultural roots, is an outspoken opponent of the ban.

“I know that some women might be forced to compulsively vomit at the sight of him. It’s an unfortunate truth in this sort of situation. But banning him entirely will simply make those who choose to throw up on his shoes feel cut off, not to mention the fact that this law is too broad for the scope of the problem. What happened to this country’s reputation for tolerance?”

According to the commission’s findings, however, the security threat posed by the president’s tiny penis complex far outstrips the need to uphold the French tradition of open-mindedness. An interior minister, who wished to remain anonymous, disclosed that “(the French government) has reports indicating potential attackers have been dressing up as Sarkozy and sneaking weapons into secure areas. And with head that big, you’ve got a lot of storage space.”

In response to Ms. Nassir’s comments, however, the minister admitted that “just one man in France is Sarkozy. But he’s a total connasse. I mean, have you ever met this guy? Merde, but he’s fucked up.”

The question of security is the one most often cited in the Sarkozy debate. To that end one of the report’s authors, Renée Moreau, stated in a press conference that “we feel a public ban on Sarkozy will fix the security issue. After all, we have found in the past that total disenfranchisement tends to calm people down and make them see our point of view. We are confident that this case will be no different.”

The official report concluded with the recommendation that anyone showing obvious signs of “being Nicolas Sarkozy” or “a total fucking moron” should be refused citizenship or, if already a citizen, be kept from public places for the safety of others.

Mr. Sarkozy, who spent all day beating off to a picture of himself, could not be reached for comment.