“Woaaaaah Jim that floor looks real wet, maybe we should go around,” Jim’s best friend Greg said as they approached the food court of the Union one fateful Friday afternoon.

Jim Trout, a freshman business major out of Wahoo, Nebraska, was unwilling to show any fear in such a public place. “Shut up man, we’re fine,” he said as he sauntered confidently forward. Jim looked back and cracked a grin that for a split second filled Greg’s heart with hope, “There’s no warning sign so if we fall, heck, they’ll have to pay our tuition!”

And then with one tiny, innocent adolescent step Jim simultaneously inflicted tens of thousands of dollars in property damage and became a legendary hero of the LGBT+ community at UNL.

With an ear-rupturing, high-pitched scream, Jim flew forward with such incredible velocity that no one in the Union could even try and give him a copy of The DailyER or a flyer for a Greek society.  In a blink of an eye, Jim was across the room and slammed with his full 230-pound body weight against the flimsy walls of UNL’s maiden Chick-fil-A.

Like Ozymandias, the walls crumbled. Hubris was thick in the coffee- and pizza-drenched air.

One of the workers inside described the scene: “As if I was behind Moses as the Red Sea parted, the walls creaked and snapped with violent but purposeful rage. God was in that half-finished, homophobic fast food restaurant.”

“He just hit that temp wall real damn hard,” Greg reported.

After the smoke cleared and the dust settled, UNL students were alarmed and pleasantly surprised to see a still fully intact Runza behind the broken walls. The aghast Chick-fil-A manager fell to his knees and out slipped a Chick-fil-A burger that, without its packaging, dramatically revealed it was in fact just a shitty hot pocket. The crowd wept.