In what proved to be a miraculous day for local Arby’s employees, former employee Jesse Clemons returned from college and blessed the minimum wage job with his knowledge. Clemons spent the past ten months at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln but made his long-prophesied return to his birthright after classes dismissed for the summer. Gracing the hallowed grounds he formerly called home, Clemons granted refuge to those still working there.

“Clemons, I mean, wow, where do you even begin? I’ve always heard rumors about him, like ‘remember when James ate all that raw burger meat’ or ‘remember when James spilled a milkshake on himself?’” spoke current employee, Mike Heather, in hushed tones. “I started to think the guy was just some sort of Messianic legend. But now I’ve been fortunate enough to prepare his cheeseburger and I can appreciate his blessed intervention in my life.”

Clemons, weighed with the burden of his near-sophomore standing, wasted no time in preaching the virtues he had learned. A lesser man may have been beneath such pittance but Clemons, ever the loving teacher, talked to each employee about the scholarly raptures he had experienced and even attempted to relate with the uneducated man’s struggle.

Counter employee Sarah Issacson, hired after Clemons ascended to University, recalls the first time she ever met His Holiness. “I remember when he stepped behind the counter. I…I didn’t even know his face, but I ignorantly told him that our managers didn’t allow customers by the register. And he just looked at me, and just whispered ‘I’m no mere customer’ and walked back to grab some curly fries. I was ignorant and he spared me. There is no other Jesse Clemons.”

Clemons ended his sacred journey right where he began, standing in front of the now consecrated counter. Leaving the building with a proclamation of return, Clemons murmured that he might be in town for a while and would probably be back for an application before college reconvened. As he left, Issacson uttered, “He is truly a God among mortals.”