A terrible sickness has gripped our once great nation.

The United States is in a life or death struggle with an issue that has plagued us since our beginning. Like the rash on your inner thigh that just will not go away no matter how many ointments and pastes you try, skeleton-related violence seems like a problem from which we may never be entirely free.

If Congress wishes to ease this scourge, they need to start by passing a few, simple, commonsense laws geared towards reducing skeletal violence.

In much the same way you manage your uncomfortable and unsightly inner thigh rash by avoiding intimate relations with other people, Congress needs to end its intimate relationship with the Ancient Skeleton Cabal. The Cabal’s necromancers have managed to place a skeleton directly inside of more than 90 percent of sitting Congress members.

This is unacceptable. We need more people in Congress without a backbone to stand up for what is right.

Next, Congress needs to repeal Bill SBA-41, commonly known as “Bones for Babies.” This law requires all newborns to be bound with a skeleton at birth. This serves only to benefit the big bone industry that profits off of suffering.

No one knows exactly why our founding fathers saw fit to include a phrase at the end of the Declaration of Independence granting all skeletons the right to Eternal Life, Butchery and the pursuit of Misery. Many experts suspect Benjamin Franklin’s experiments with the occult may have influenced his insistence on its inclusion.

One thing is certain, though: they could not have foretold the unimaginable destruction it has wrought on our country.

Slaughter by skeleton is currently the third highest cause of death in the US, behind obesity and spontaneous combustion. Just like you are working to stop the spread of the disgusting rash on your inner thigh, Congress needs to act now to stop the spread of skeleton-related violence before it grows beyond our control.