Because of its misleading name, many people around the world (who are we kidding, only in the U.S.) are under the impression that the coronavirus is caused by drinking Corona beer. The virus being researched and treated close to home isn’t helping, as the main consumers of Corona on campus are paranoid and too young to die from alcohol if it’s not drunk driving a tractor. At the end of January, some country boys, who don’t want you to quote the vine and also like to to party, banded together and learned that AA doesn’t just stand for Awesome Agriculture. 

“It was hard to be in that basement and open up to people without being tipsy, but I’d much rather be embarrassed than be away from East Campus and at UNMC,” said Blake Monsanto. Monsanto is the self-declared leader of the group and found out about AA in a Next Nebraska email. 

Sitting in that AA circle, the recovering redneck alcoholics were shaking in the expensive cowboy boots their dads wrote off in taxes. The stress has even affected their testosterone levels, as their sideburns are beginning to look less and less like those of General Ambrose Burnside’s. 

“The dudes are all really freaked out. When we watched A Star is Born on our last movie night, everyone actually paid attention to the plot and dark themes instead of Lady Gaga’s hot bod, I mean beautiful singing voice.” 

However, the guys have attended AA for a whole month and are starting to make slow progress in not only their alcohol addiction, but other aspects of their life as well. 

 According to Craig Fergeson, another one of the students new to the program, “The Corona commercials would always say: ‘find your beach.’ I guess I didn’t realize they were telling me to live my life and not telling me to find some girl to take advantage of.”