I am writing to assuage any fears you may have, as residents of a great state, about the Keystone XL Pipeline my company plans to install a few years hence. I would like to assure you, from the bottom of my heart, that I and my team of TransCanada colleagues are scientists; the aquifer fish won’t suffer from the pipeline’s presence. I promise.
As you may know, the US State Department recently released its final environmental impact report on our pipeline: that the Keystone XL should have no real impact on your aquifer, whose name I cannot pronounce. In light of this study, my team and I are prepared to offer assurances on several points.
Number one, we promise that the native groundfish will not be harmed. I understand, through many scientific-type tests and Google searches, that bass and lake trout thrive in your state. The ones that live in the aquifer will be quite safe. The pipeline will not harm their annual upstream migration patterns, nor will it have a negative impact on the reportedly vast sport fishing industry. Though I have never been to Nebraska myself, the state’s tourism videos on YouTube have been very informative.
Second, I want to make it very clear that TransCanada has a sterling safety and environmental record. We have never actively killed a person with our pipeline. It is a bit too heavy for that. Also, during the course of my research, I noticed that some crazy liberal media outlets, like the BBC, think our other pipelines through delicate ecosystems suffer from a lot of leaks. If that is true, which my therapist assures me is unlikely, I would say Nebraskans might have a reason to be concerned. As is, however, I can say with confidence that we will fight tooth and nail to avoid taking financial responsibility for any mishaps. Of course, I’m sure that won’t ever be an issue.
Finally, I would like to thank Nebraska Governor Dave Heinemann for being a faithless jezebel. It is all well and good for the Daryl Hannahs and other aging has-beens of the world to protest progress, but I expect better from Real Americans. I trust this will serve as a reminder of where your loyalties should lie: snuggled securely in the lap of Big Tar Sand. Independent thought is not appreciated, Gov.
In conclusion, I want to reiterate TransCanada’s commitment to safety and a low environmental impact. Though I hear your concerns, I am forced to dismiss many of them based on the obvious fact that my scientists are smarter and better-looking than yours. That being said, of course, I would like to leave you with one promise: if any one of you ever finds a mutated aquifer tuna, we will shut down the pipeline immediately. After all, we do care.
Who ever said TransCanada isn’t reasonable?
