In an unexpected turnaround, local dude Eric “Boomer” Peterson claimed victory in the Wastedtown mayor race, narrowly defeating opposing candidate Garrett E. Jenkins.
Sources say Mayor Boomer made his victory official by giving each and every one of his party constituents an extreme bearhug.
“Oh hell yeah! Hell yeah! I’m the goddamn boss of this town!” Boomer said, before giving a person he had never seen a stinging high-five.
Opposing candidate Jenkins was seen living it up in the kitchen after the results were declared, saying he wouldn’t let some dude named Boomer’s attitude ruin his party.
“If Boomer wants to crash my party and get wasted that’s fine,” Jenkins said. “I just hope I don’t have to kick him out. Who even invited that guy?”
Sources say the race heated up when Jenkins followed his girlfriend into the kitchen to make a drink, but just ended up chilling in there, which left Boomer free to invite all his weird constituents to the already moderately sized party. Inevitably, pundits claimed, the party split in two: the Kitchen party and the Living Room Party.
“This house is officially Wastedtown! Let the race for mayor begin!” Boomer was said to have shouted. However, many claimed that the rookie politician was starting to slur his words and probably wouldn’t last much longer.
Their criticisms were dashed when Boomer vomited in the back yard and went back for “round two,” helping himself to the contents of opponent Jenkins’ drink cooler.
“Jenky! You drink this beer? This beer sucks, bro. This party sucks,” Boomer said in a heated town hall style debate by the fridge. “My friends are coming over, by the way, and they’re gonna turn this lame-ass party a-fuckin-round.”
Jenkins conceded defeat at officially 11:08 p.m. Friday, March 14, 2014, and told his friends that they could feel free to leave if they wanted to and that this was just the way things turned out tonight.
At press time, Jenkins’ girlfriend can’t believe this happened again, and doesn’t even want to talk about it.
“Wooo! Party!” Mayor Boomer declared.
