Members of the dysfunctional Lincoln-area Pejsa family admitted today that, outside of their traditional “Stroganoff Sundays,” they literally cannot stand each other’s tiny and oh so irritating existence.

“Yeah, I’m not the only one thinking this, so I’ll just come out and say that we all hate each other’s guts,” said local mechanic Jackson Pejsa, one of three children from Katie and Thomas Pejsa. “Frankly, if I weren’t so distracted by my harbored loathing towards my dad for never being proud of me and towards my mom for just letting him do that, I would have probably straight-up hurt my brother, Simon, into a coma.”

“Sure the arrogant prick deserves it, what with rubbing in his fancy-pants lawyering job and lakeside house to everyone,” continued Pejsa with a curling sneer. “But, then again, my sister Julie is worse. She always robs our jewelry; even our damn shoes! God I hate all those bastards.”

All members of the Pejsa family exhibit feelings of severe hatred and disgust towards everyone else. Yet, there is some hope for “no-life” Jackson, “rich boy” Simon, “effing felon” Julie, “trash-talking train” Thomas and “catatonic” Katie. Every Sunday evening, the five mentally unstable, bitter relatives meet at the home of Thomas and Katie Pejsa to partake in a family pastime: a dinner with Katie’s “angelic” stroganoff.

“I guess everyone says that they like it, so I just keep making it so that we can, someday, start loving each other…” said Katie Pejsa while she tremblingly added deliciously-seasoned meat as well as her tears to the pasta and gravy dish. “For the Pejsa family…”

“Man, I love Mom’s stroganoff,” said Simon Pejsa. “With it I can almost tolerate my father’s pessimistic attitude, and I can even see my mother as someone that I could conditionally love. But, then again, those are Sundays, right? Short little days that let you lie to yourself that your family isn’t emotionally disfigured.”
Upon hearing that Katie may possibly start a new tradition on Sundays, the Pejsa family agreed that “Stromboli Sundays” would probably mask the familial issues even further, while “Spaghetti Sundays” would likely cause a rage-induced bloodbath of insults and hurled punches.