As UNL’s favorite source for unbiased, authentic, fact-based news, we value trustworthiness and transparency. Thus, the DailyER staff thanks you for voting to allow us to keep receiving $0.15 from every enrolled student. While this fee is technically “optional,” we applaud you for taking the high road and not putting yourself and a university intern through another goddamn phone call to get twenty-five measly dollars in Fund A fees back. That’s barely even a pizza anymore.
This year, we’ve devised a brand new, knock-your-socks-off budget to simply and efficiently use every single cent of your valued contribution. Two of your fifteen cents go to printing and distribution costs. Three cents go to paying our staff, and one goes to energy drinks, coffee and blow to keep them awake during long editing sessions. Two cents are allocated for emergency costs and sick-ass t-shirts.
Finally, the most important piece of this budget: capital, baby. We’ve begun investing seven cents from every student into offshore fracking. Oil is still where it’s at, and we want a slice of that sweet, greasy pie. In two years’ time, we project a return on investment so large that we’ll be able to expand the DailyER to the size of a small textbook, add a hardcover and gild the pages.
Additionally, we’ve implemented a new business model to increase employee participation and recruitment. Staff writers are now monetarily incentivized to bring in new talent. New writers will share a cut of their article’s revenue with their recruiter, but they can also recruit others to get the same benefits. All staff writers also have the option to sell their articles to the editor for a higher kickback- though the editor gets an 80% share.
While this business model may seem somewhat familiar, we’d like to assure our readers that this is not a pyramid scheme or multi-level marketing operation, but rather a triangular chain network that promotes abundance and financial freedom for our employees. This new strategy has helped many pay for tuition here at the university, and some have even dropped out to pursue the DailyER full time!
We know times are hard. Hell, I had to start selling locks of my hair to creeps on O Street before we restructured. Now, I’ve been able to invest in commercial real estate, I bought a diamond-encrusted Stanley, and I have a hot wife. The DailyER has changed my life, and it can change yours too. Come to the Union basement at 8 p.m. on Mondays and Wednesdays if you want to get your funny up AND get your money up.
