We live in an era of liability, and I expect everyone to inform me without me having to read instructions, take any personal responsibility or use any deductive reasoning of my own. Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual, but damn it, why not?

The University of Nebraska-Lincoln recently forced a smoking ban upon the denizens of its campuses, which I guess, from unconfirmed rumors, applies to more than tobacco. I find it to be unethical, personally; in fact, I think smoking should be mandatory. But what these pseudo-health-conscious policymakers failed to mention is the loophole that is the saving grace in almost every situation: if you choose not to read it, it doesn’t apply to you.

This leaves quite a bit of leeway, and the possibilities of what you can smoke are endless, friend! Rolled a fat joint in preparation for your philosophy class? Feel free to spark up, Cheech. Hungry for some well-seasoned pulled pork? Pull out the propane and fire that sucker up; no one in the Student Union will be remotely upset by it. The weirdly-shaped furniture dotted around campus? Perfect kindling to feed your pyromania addiction. Yes, the power of selective attention can turn you into a truly sovereign citizen. 

Listen: you, the young adult, are paying UNL only for them to tell you what you can and can’t do as an individual. It may seem like a minor issue, but is being treated like you aren’t capable of making your own decisions worth the massive student loan debt?

I’ve heard through the grapevine that smoking products are acceptable if it involves a theatrical or ceremonial performance. If we stand together and form a 30,000 person drama club, we can finally free ourselves from the snares of collegiate oppression, and the ban will go up in smoke.