Hark! Dear champion! I implore you to please act as our savior in this dire and dark hour! The village of Honeywell is under attack by a wicked clan of hobgoblins who call themselves “the Pit Eaters!” What detestable creatures they are! They’ll kill us all for sure! Their leader, a giant werebear named Gorgash Chadmash the Undying is known for roasting people alive before eating them! I don’t want to be eaten! Please, adventurer, you must help us!

What? You can’t lift a 60-pound level 10 great-sword? What are you, a child?! A pathetic weakling of a human being? You don’t even have the strength and dexterity required to wield an incredibly heavy weapon that requires years of training to truly master and use effectively against large groups of enemies? Like, for example, hobgoblins? You grew up on a farm, huh? Well, that’s no excuse you craven weakling; get the hell out there and save our village!

The only thing you’re good at is lifting weights and carrying shit, you say? Well, you better figure your dumb shit out right now because my family is currently being eaten alive by a human-bear hybrid and that’s really our main problem right now, not your pathetic lack of skills.

Did you just cut yourself with the sword ’cause you didn’t know how to hold it? Are you serious right now? Did you even put any points into anything worthwhile during character creation?

WHAT??!! DO NOT TELL ME THAT THE ONLY THING YOU LEARNED IN LIFE WAS PANSY SHIT LIKE MATH AND ENGLISH! IF YOU CAN’T DEFEND A VILLAGE OF PEASANTS FROM FANTASY HYBRID-MONSTER RACES, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST DIE NOW!

Sorry I overreacted. A lot is going on right now. I’m just frustrated that my wife of 30 years, the love of my life, the bearer of my beautiful children, just got eaten by a giant man-bear, but, no, let’s talk about you right now.