A common saying is that “there’s a first time for everything.” However, there is a darker way of putting this, one that first-time arsonist Dylan Baumann feared would become his reality: “you never get a second chance at a first impression.”

“It’s always been a dream of mine to start my career off with a flourish,” said a visibly happy Baumann, a junior Chemical Engineering major at Ohio State University. “But I never thought things would go quite this well.”

Baumann, who has enjoyed the sight of watching people, places, and things burn since he was (by his own admission) “old enough to strike my first match,” wanted to ensure that his entrance into the world of criminal arson would be memorable.

Baumann’s ambition was enhanced by his years of training.

“I spent most of my child and early adulthood preparing for this moment. I’ve set my backyard, childhood swingset, and various pieces of furniture ablaze. But this was all from the comfort of my own home,” Bauman said. “What if I failed on the big stage?”

His concerns, however, were groundless. Shortly after dusk on Monday evening, Baumann stowed away inside a janitor’s closet after closing time at a local Pizza Hut. From there, he waited until night had truly fallen before lining up individually-packaged straws one by one all around the restaurant. After dousing the chairs and tables in gasoline, he placed a final straw on a kitchen stove burner.

“I turned it on and hightailed it on out of there,” Baumann said. “I went to the parking lot across the street and watched that place go up like our family’s Christmas tree last year. Just like I had practiced. It was beautiful…. beautiful… beautiful.”

Enthralled by his initial success, Baumann says he will continue with his passion, perhaps even choosing a larger target next time.

“In my opinion, that Wal-Mart over there has been getting pretty uppity. I bet they have a lot of plastic in there, too. Everyone loves a challenge.”