When I spend $16.40 on pizza, I expect greatness. But every time I call you, you’re pissed off, and I get pissed off that you’re pissed off. All you do is drive around, delivery man. Maybe if you had an eco-friendly car you wouldn’t be pissed off about that two dollar tip.

But think about me, delivery man, spending twice your salary on pizza, waiting on the couch with my feet up. Do you know how I get this luxury? By going to college. Because I go to college, I get student loans which allow me to afford this crap. I get to buy your crummy pizza with my Modern Interpretive Dance degree.

And delivery man, don’t even try to explain that your pizza is good. Like there’s real cheese at Pizza Hut? If there’s no real chicken at KFC, and no meat at TacoBell, what makes you think I’m going to believe there’s real cheese at Pizza Hut, Yum! Brands, Inc.? And I’m sorry, delivery man, but maybe if I wasn’t being charged an extra dollar for that fake stuffed-crust pizza I’d have another dollar to tip you. That’s capitalism for you.

Talking about unnecessary costs, delivery man, why does Papa John’s provide that little wrinkly pepper? Would my pizza be cheaper without it? I mean, the pepper doesn’t add anything, and no one eats it, so is it really necessary? Tell me why, delivery man, and maybe I’ll consider not making you deliver me a pizza next time it snows a foot and a half.

But if I had to give a compliment to anyone, delivery man, I would have to give kudos to Little Caeser’s. The crust tastes worse than cardboard, but the pizza is only five dollars. I can’t expect greatness out of five dollars, so I know beforehand that the pizza’s going to be shit. But the best part about the pizza, other than the fact that I don’t have to see your sad face, is that its already ready. I could understand paying $15.15 at Pizza Hut if I got my pizza within 30 minutes.

But what can you expect, delivery man? It’s America.