1.Colgate® Raspberry Mint

Your mouth will be going wild when you gloss this goo all over your pearly whites. While brushing, you might think to yourself, “Man this is definitely toothpaste!” But what won’t be on your mind is the thousands tortured and killed between the years 1492-1502 in Spain for heresy against the Catholic Church.

2. Colgate® Minions™ Mild Bubble Fruit

Your favorite memes, fresh from the computer straight to your medicine cabinet. This is the promise of Colgate’s tastiest new paste for those jagged white rocks in your mouth, and the goop also tastes great, like biting into a fresh hard drive filled with your favorite cat pictures and impact font. What the paste doesn’t do, however, is gruesomely terrorize peasants with Crocodile Shears, the Lead Sprinkler, the Head Crusher or any of the other horrifying instruments of torture used during the Spanish Inquisition.

3. Colgate® Max Fresh® Shockwave

This neon-blue grime will clean your teeth faster than you can say “Moorish Kingdoms.” It’s also infused with caffeine microbeads that shock you awake. It’s also great for not thinking about the Jewish and Muslim exodus from Spain in the late 15th century.

4. Ultrabite® Baking Soda & Peroxide Whitening

This toothpaste doesn’t taste very good, but it also won’t remind you that the Catholic Church killed and tortured 12,000 innocent men, women and children in the year 1496 alone.

5. Crest®3D White Luxe Diamond Strong

This tooth polish is actually what’s known in toothpaste culture as a craft paste. It’s made in small batches with only fresh, local ingredients to keep your teeth as clean and healthy as they can be. Besides that, clinical studies have shown that only 1 percent of all users think about Catholic torture techniques while applying the product.