Long time “friends with benefits” Dean Welton and Sherry Rogers have each had a fairly successful record of loveless hook-ups and booty calls in the past few years. But yesterday, Welton reported that he was once again experiencing the highly volatile situation that occurs annually at this time of year — Valentine’s Day. While couples all around the globe were purchasing the cheapest roses, chocolates, and handcuffs available for their sweethearts, a heavy fog of lust and tension descended on both Welton and Rogers.

“I’m not sure if I should avoid him, or just completely jump his bones and try to forget about it. I don’t want Valentine’s Day to inspire any feelings of hope or longing for something meaningful,” Rogers explained. The situation became even more awkward when Dean and Sherry made an effort to rendezvous behind a dumpster around noon, only to be thwarted by the resident homeless man carving rotten Valentine’s apples and drunkenly explaining his new-found love for the rubber cigarette receptacle across the street.

Welton tried to maintain the simplest perspective possible.

“I’m either gonna be dealing with red hearts or blue balls. Truthfully, I’m not sure which is worst.”

These were not the only two lovers avoiding love all day; yesterday’s reports indicate that most friends with benefits simply turned off their phones or, in desperation, tagged along with their parents to their dinner dates.