Spattered in blood, clutching a lead pipe with trembling hands and smelling strongly of Jack Daniel’s and exasperation, Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts was discovered standing over the broken bodies of two downtown patrons this past Saturday night, according to the Lincoln Police Department.

In response to the legislature abolishing the death penalty this past May, Pete Ricketts, staunch supporter of capital punishment, has donated hundreds of thousands of dollars of his personal fortune to fund efforts to reinstate the death penalty, including organizing petition drives to put the final decision in the hands of voters in November 2016. Nevertheless, Ricketts has faced numerous obstacles and irritations in the process.

Lincoln Police believe he was out that night blowing off steam.

Officer Derek Olson reported that witnesses were alerted to the sounds of snapping, crushing blunt force trauma interspersed with cries and agitated ranting coming from an alleyway near 13th and N streets shortly after 10:30 p.m.

“Based on what I could understand through all the slurring,” an eyewitness stated, “I think he felt cheated out of his destiny as the governor that would get capital punishment up and running again, like for real. Sounds like he’d been looking forward to it for awhile, you know?”

“It hasn’t been easy for him,” an anonymous source from inside the Capitol said. “I kind of feel sorry for the guy, to be honest. He’s so sincere about this. After all the work he did getting elected and all that, can’t we just let him dispose of a few reprobates? They’re just sitting around waiting to die anyways.”

Ricketts was picked up at the police station by his father the next morning and, following a stern scolding, promised to never to do anything like this again.