For many, marriage can be a wonderful institution, where two people who love each other very much live their lives to the fullest.

Chet Spaulding, a bartender from the Kool Kat Bar in a small Virginia town, wants to tell you this before he tells you that, at this very moment, your future spouse is doing something really gross.

“Dude, like, the love of your life that you’ll meet in the middle of next year? Yeah, she’s totally doing some gnarly stuff,” Spaulding said as he put on a greasy tank top and a pair of modest khaki shorts. “I can’t stress how ‘gnarly’ I’m talking here. Like, you’d be disgusted and terrified.”

“Trust me,” continued Spaulding before lighting a cigarette and licking his chapped lips. “I was there for, like, hours, just being a part of it and watching. Are you sure you want to marry this person? Well, I guess you will by then, so, uh, good luck to you.”

Before Dailyer reporters were able to ask, exactly, how the grizzled man could possibly be a credible source or know you well enough to determine who would be your perfect match, Spaulding left the scene, walking quickly away while shuddering slightly.

“Really, it’s something you don’t want to know about,” Spaulding said before he disappeared from sight.