In news that continues to send shockwaves through the conservative-Christian community, the true gay agenda has finally been revealed. Fox News anchor Bill O’Reily first broke the story on Thursday night after the pocket organizer was discovered in the bathroom of a Los Angeles gay bar. There remains much speculation about the long rumored “Gay Agenda,” but several concrete facts have emerged among the media frenzy.

“The much-criticized agenda contains very few plans for deviance, corruption and treason and includes actually more Bistro addresses than previously thought possible,” said lead investigator Glen Knowles.

This latest development comes as quite a shock to some members of the Christian right, who admitted that they were slightly disappointed by the innocuous contents.

“All this time I’ve been preaching fire and brimstone about the evils of the homosexual agenda, and it turns out they just want to go watch a movie with some friends and drink Appetinis,” says renowned televangelist Pat Robertson. “Heck, that doesn’t sound like too bad of an evening.”

Others are less receptive to the contents of the gay agenda. James Dobson, leader of Focus on the Family told reporters, “Sure, it might appear that this godless young man’s Saturday is plum full of volunteering at the local soup kitchen and going suit shopping, but there’s about a two-hour window of time where he’s probably just perverting our youth and overthrowing traditional marriage. And microbrew tasting on Sundays? The only thing these heathens are brewing is a new way to marry their dogs.”

Now the gay agenda conversation will move from pundits to Washington, D.C., where it is speculated that new legislation may be in the works. Indeed, the revelation that they would prefer to plan their weddings and live in peace than destroy America is a welcome break for many gay men and women seeking marriage equality. The sole voice of gay dissent against the agenda’s contents is fashion designer Marc Jacobs, who argues the book’s advice about three-button suits is simply “[an] unforgivable travesty.”