Getting to a morgue in Lincoln, Nebraska, is close to impossible if you’re like me and don’t have a street legal vehicle because the DMV is full of a bunch of idiots who think my rocket-powered rollerblades are “unsafe and impractical.” Due to the sweet, sweet interconnectedness of the streets being vindictively denied to me, I am forced to use the sidewalks.

If there is one thing about these dang cement squares on the side of the road that bothers me, it’s that hardly any of them go anywhere near a morgue. Sometimes you just gotta see a dead guy to really put everything in your life into perspective, and Lincoln just makes that so hard for weirdos with no car like me.

It’s time for a change, Lincoln. It’s time for more sidewalks from my house to a morgue.

What I’m proposing, one direct sidewalk with no turns that goes right to a morgue, will definitely fit in the city’s road budget. Its added benefits to citizens across the city will be more than worth the cost.

Tucson, Arizona, for example, saw a huge dip in general quality of life until the put a road from Kyle Broderick’s house to a morgue. Everyone was so happy to see the local car-less dingaling walk every day on the one-way path from his house to a morgue so he can ponder death and the helplessness of life. I think the boost Tucson got from the Broderick sidewalk is exactly what this town needs.