So you embarrassed yourself at a party last night when you revealed your ignorance of classic literature? Oh, don’t worry, I’m not going to judge you. Why do you think they created me? Just give me five minutes of your time and you can gain the respect of just about every student at UNL, or really anywhere you go. I swear, you have no idea how much information I can pack into so few words. In fact, I guarantee at least three-fourths of the kids that judged you have only read me.

And why wouldn’t they? Would you read that entire book when you know I’ve summarized it into 18 small paragraphs corresponding to each episode? Each of those episodes is about 30 pages long in the Vintage International version, but just 4 sentences on my page. Seriously, I don’t know why anyone would be dumb enough to read the actual book! From all the discussions that appear on my editing page, it sounds like a pretty dull one to me. It all happens in one day, just a day in this Leopold guy’s life. What the hell is that?

Oh, and before I forget, my stuff is never written in stream-of-consciousness, like parts of that damn book. I mean, for a phrase that sounds so intellectual and cool, it really is a pain in the ass to read. The passages they throw up on my editing page, especially in that last episode, are irritating. I don’t even understand how that is considered good writing. I couldn’t understand a word of it, probably because I zoned out after about three words. Why the fuck would I want to know every thought that a fictional character is thinking? I wouldn’t. Shit, no one does. Luckily, I don’t have to worry about it. I just have to show the finished synopsis. And, of course, you don’t either because you have me. A “thank you” would be nice at some point, but no pressure.

I’ve heard whispers around the Internet that I really am not adequate compared to sources such as SparkNotes when it comes to reading for academic reasons. I just want to say something here and now: that is a bunch of bullshit. This is literature! You can say whatever the hell you want and pass it off as long as you make it sound all lyrical and pretty. And even if you get a bad grade, just confront the teacher! Have you ever talked with an English teacher? They’ll balk at the first sign of confrontation. They all do.

So why waste your time reading such a challenging novel when you’ve got me? I’m just one Google search away from saving you time and effort and turning you into a psuedo-intellectual — just like all your friends!