Hello, sir or madam; I understand we are now to be partners in “Monopoly,” the grand game of capitalism so dear to the American heart. I am new to the region, having replaced that terribly gauche iron beast, and am pleased to offer my services as board marker. My dear chum Mr. Pennybags has told me a great deal about this place. Having said that, I do need to ensure you understand one important thing.

The most important thing for you to realize is that, while you may well pass Go and you may well collect $200, please be aware the transfer will not be possible immediately. This inconvenience can be put down to the fact that I will be sleeping on your money pile. I do hope it does not inconvenience you…but hark! I lie. I do not care one bit. Cats do not have to. Isn’t it just glorious!

Some may find what seems like utter disregard for the welfare of my player a bit off-putting. Those people are worthless and dull. Truly gifted players will appreciate the ease with which I can slink past that horrid dog-beast, or the hilarious hijinks that will ensue after I eat through the race car’s brake lines. It is a tortoise and hare situation, except the tortoise is my lackey and the hare was delicious.

After such strenuous exercise in service to my player, however, rest is required. So once gameplay begins, you will most likely find me snoozing peacefully in a pile of $500 bills, where my kind naturally belongs.

And if you fail to believe my tale of pre-game espionage, and instead choose to view me as nothing more than an apathetic narcoleptic…well, you should have voted for the robot.