Yep, I got COVID-19. The virus that has taken over the world this year is in my body, doing whatever damage vodka hasn’t already done to my body. What started out as a fever and a cough slowly turned into a sore throat, body aches, and worst of all, loss of taste and smell. A week into this virus and I feel mostly fine, except I still can’t taste a damn thing. 300 cans of soup later, I thought it was time to try something else for dinner. I remember trying Runzas in college, but they tasted like absolute shit. Like, how is this the official food sponsor of Husker Athletics? Like, you could have at least picked Wendy’s or some place with halfway decent food. Anyways, I decided to get a Runza delivered to me to support my local Runza fast food chain and I know I wouldn’t taste it, so what’s the worst that can happen.

Oh boy, was I wrong. Runzas must be the only food you can taste while suffering from coronavirus because that thing tasted like hot garbage in my mouth. And I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth because I can’t taste anything else, so here I am, chugging water and now my mouth tastes like wet, hot, American garbage. It was as if I went to my trash can and thought it would be a good idea to scoop some into a hot bun and shove it into my mouth. Seriously, who is still buying these things? Whoever was brave enough to say Runzas were just shitty hot-pockets on The DailyER was a true hero, a visionary ahead of his time. Preach, man.

Well, anyways, now I’ve gotta get this bad taste out of my mouth somehow. Maybe if I ate enough Selleck pizza, that would outweigh the horrid flavor of beef and the worst vegetable known to mankind, cabbage, that haunts my mouth to this very moment.