After a grueling campaign, the fate of the Affordable Care Act, also known as “Obamacare,” has been determined; it will become law of the land. Nebraska Governor Dave Heineman has been dealing with the emotional toll this news has brought him, and has found that “Obamacare” is an exceptional safe word for his BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism) activities.
At a press conference where Heineman revealed he will defer all control over the state insurance exchange, a crucial part of “Obamacare,” to the federal government, he also opened up about his bondage-filled sexcapades at the Governor’s mansion.
“The Affordable Care Act has been such a strain on me politically,” said Heineman. “The only effective way I’ve found to deal with this stress is to scream ‘Obamacare’ at the top of my lungs any time [my wife] Sally pinches my nipples too hard.”
This revelation helped explain the uncomfortable faces Heineman made any time the word “Obamacare” was uttered.
“It’s really a shame that the Governor has such ill feelings toward ‘Obamacare,’” stated fellow BDSM enthusiast, and State Senator Jeremy Nordquist. “I suffered a love scar from one of my hate sessions with my partner a few years back, and I really struggled to find affordable health care up until the Affordable Care Act made it so that health insurers couldn’t discriminate against those of us who enjoy wearing the old choke collar from time to time.”
During the same press conference, Heineman stated that he thought having Nebraska control its own insurance exchange was surely too costly.
“It’s like what I tell my wife when she’s got me chained in the gubernatorial attic,” said Heineman. “Sure, it’d be nice if I could have some say in the matter, but really, in the end my wife is going to do whatever she pleases. So why bother?”
Proponents of having Nebraska control their own insurance exchange chastised the Governor as if he was being a bad, bad boy. The Nebraska Healthcare Alliance issued a statement slamming Heineman for his executive order.
“The fact that Gov. Heineman doesn’t think the benefits of controlling our own exchange outweigh the costs is ridiculous,” the release said. “Nebraska is a unique situation where people on the eastern end of the state have a much easier time finding access to an internet connection, and may not need to have as many physical offices as certain parts of western Nebraska. The reality is that trusting the feds to handle this situation goes against the very principles that the Governor supposedly stands for. And the fact that the Governor doesn’t realize that this can hurt his constituents makes us want to paddle his pale little ass into next week.”
