Money is not always easy to manage. When times are hard, there is simply not enough to go around, and such is the case with the State of Nebraska’s revenue for 2018. Governor Pete Ricketts, like his hairline, cannot simply comb over the state’s budget without first addressing the roots of recession.

“We’re facing a $173 million shortfall this year,” Ricketts said while furiously rubbing his sheeny, bald dome with canola oil. “So I thought to myself, ‘what’s the best way we could cut costs without cutting quality?’ and then I congratulated myself for thinking in a complete sentence.”

The governor’s budget plan includes slashing funding for K-12 education programs across the state, as well as digging even deeper into the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s academic budget. When asked why education was first up on the chopping block despite it being his “priority,” Ricketts shrugged and replied with his signature, puppet-like stare:

“Look, I know education is central to a healthy society and we would literally be nothing without it, but prisons are overcrowding. While education is what keeps people out of jail, I thought it would make way more sense to drop another $5 million on expanding the jails because, you know, priorities.”

Despite the fact that a mind-numbingly simple solution to prison overcrowding is to decriminalize non-violent offenders, something that a 9th grader in civics class could figure out, Ricketts assures us Nebraskans that his gross inability to increase economic revenue is nothing to worry about.

“Look, I know the vast majority of what I do is worsening our society and completely nonsensical,” Ricketts said. “But as a man in the back pockets of wealthy corporations rather than voters, I know fiscal responsibility. Trust me, there is no person better suited to piss away your tax dollars than I am.”