As society becomes a decrepit melting pot of corruption and sin, at the very least a very vigilant, unblinking stare from watchful eyes will be there to see it.

Last Thursday night, the women of Psi Psi Psi sorority learned this valuable lesson when they discovered a random student watching them as he stood precariously outside their gigantic, blind-less window. After being discovered, the student was said to “salute to the surprised females inside the house without taking his eyes off of his slightly lower than eye-level line of vision.”
John Herman, UNL freshman majoring in biology, responded to shrill accusatory shrieks from the sorority women by claiming that he was “just going through his route.”

“Yes, it is true. I have appointed myself as the new neighborhood watch,” Herman said to Dailyer reporters. “I hate the guff that we respectable watchers get after the whole Zimmerman thing. We have a heroic task on our shoulders. The thing is: Who else is going to make sure fucking creeps don’t take advantage of those poor girls?”

Herman continued his explanation by claiming that just about anyone can look through the massive, ground floor windows of any sorority house, and that this incident rarely ever happens.

“I mean, most of the time when I’m on patrol, no one even notices that I’m there. And oh man, if only some people knew the stuff that one can see just by staring through a window for forty-five minutes…” lamented Herman with a hazy grin on his face. “Since people aren’t that discreet, one can learn about their favorite television shows, all the types of clothes that they wear, and even their shampoo brand.” With further questioning, Herman reiterated that “yes, it is definitely easy to scale Greek infrastructures to get to higher floors where bathrooms are.”

However, despite the sticky situation, Herman wholeheartedly supported his actions for his neighborhood and UNL as a whole. However, the sorority women have disagreed with the “Porky-antics” of the hormone-inflated human being. After reportedly confronting Herman and telling him to “fuck off,” the biology major merely stated that “what must be done must be done” before climbing out of the bush outside the sorority house with a grim sense of heroism and duty.

“Before we called him off for looking through the house, I saw him…stroking his beard,” said a shaking Betsy Crane, a Psi Psi Psi member. “Like he was reading us like we were some pretentious English novel or something. I don’t know why, but that’s just…just some sort of Anthony Hopkins level of weird.”

And yet, the stalwart vigilante stands firmly behind his role as the self-appointed neighborhood watch, believing that his actions will prevent anyone outside – and even inside – the sorority houses from ever causing trouble.

“I not only watch out for sick, immature perverts. I watch out for dangers that may lurk within the very safety of someone’s home! When a loose zipper may have the audacity of cutting girls’ skin when they are leisurely pillow-fighting, I’ll be there. When someone starts to choke after having too much coursing liquid poured down their shirts, I’ll be there. Always at the ready, hiding in the dark pockets of society with no thanks in return except the reassurance that I am doing an honorable thing.”

When asked whether or not Herman plans to expand his route beyond the sorority houses and to the dorms and fraternity houses, he stated that he had already taken the measures to place recorders and some video cameras strategically throughout the campus, although he stated that he felt that the fraternities can “take care of them-fucking-selves.”