Chuck Hagel’s contentious 58-41 Senate confirmation to the position of Secretary of Defense may seem like the end of a controversial journey to the White House. Hagel still faces the most difficult part of our Democratic process, known as “The Initiation.”
“The Initiation” is a set of challenges, ranging from simple tests of patriotism to finding out how many body shots you can drink off the first lady, all to determine whether a newcomer has what it takes to party with the 1600 Penn Crew.
“This is probably one of most revered rituals in our nation’s history. It began with George Washington making John Adams moon the first session of Congress,” said White House historian Bryan Headley. “If we look at history, consequences of failing ‘The Initiation’ have ranged from merely getting a less pristine position at the decision table to being forced to be President Taft’s tub mate.”
In an interview with Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood, the only other Republican cabinet member, LaHood stated, “Chuck Hagel should count himself lucky. When I was initiated I had to play ‘7 Minutes in Heaven’ with Hildog (Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton). Just when I got out of the most awkward grope fest of my life I was rushed back in for another round with Slick Willy (Former President Bill Clinton). Let me tell you, he has rightfully earned that nickname”.
President Obama has publicly denied that there is any form of hazing and that his goal is to create a more united front in the White House. “We here in the 1600 Penn Crew completely agree with the UN rules against hazing and are committed to making all members feel welcome. How we do so, however, is a private matter of national security.”
Within the White House, signs of preparation are evident: at least 100 kegs have been moved into the Oval Office, and Vice President Joe Biden has been selected as the officially unofficial Master of Ceremonies. Firmly grasping a 40 and a set of jumper cables, Biden said, “Barack promised I could take care of Hagel’s initiation and I’m going to make it memorable. Nothing is going to stop Joe Biden from making Hagel experience 20 volts to the D.”
When asked about his concerns with the upcoming initiation, Hagel had this to say; “I love my country. I want to see it safe and well-defended. Send me back to Vietnam if you have to, tell me to eliminate all of al-Qaeda if you must, but making me beat Joe Biden in a Jell-O shot contest and I’m out.”