Chancellor Harvey Perlman is many things: Husband, father, lover, leader, human scarecrow, a man found in pictures hidden deep in the wallets of every Dailyer correspondent for them to hold or kiss in times of loneliness or sorrow, but the one thing he is not is wrong. Yet as UNL moves closer to 2017 and Perlman’s lofty dream of 30,000 students enrolled grows slimmer with each passing day, some are seeing Perlman’s predictions as apparently overconfident. In order to fix this mistake, Perlman has decided to implement extreme measures to increase enrollment, including announcing that he would literally be cutting students in half in order to meet the quota of 30,000 enrolled.

Perlman admits that his actions do seem harsh but believes that this is good for the university overall.

“When I make a promise, I’m going to keep it,” said a disgruntled Perlman. “So instead of trying to make excuses, I’m going to do what any good Chancellor would do, which is cut corners and endanger the student body. For the good of the academic environment of this university, I am definitely going to chop shit up.”

Going into further detail, Perlman trusts the student body to help him not be a complete joke, but admits he will take things into his own hands if need be.

 “I’m confident the students will come through, any true Husker would donate their life for a cause no one cares about,” said Perlman. “But if I don’t get my 30,000, I’m going full rampage on you motherfuckers. I’ll be especially tough on freshmen because they’ll still be enrolled for three more years.”

If you are interested in donating, go to the Crib between 9am-5pm. Look for a sleep-deprived Perlman holding a giant pair of scissors mainly used for cutting giant ribbons.