In a shocking and unexpected display of brutality Tuesday night, one Lincoln household lost one of its most well-known and beloved landmarks.
Trash Mountain, which experts agree was constructed by natural processes over the course of several months, was regarded as the only giant pile of filthy garbage of note within the region and was a cultural centerpiece to the house.
Kevin Lobern dismantled Trash Mountain in its entirety. Experts are unsure of how he could have accomplished such a feat, but some speculate that he picked most of the trash off of the top of the pile and put it into multiple trash bags, then took out the overflowing, torn bag at its foundation.
“I am shocked that Kevin could have exercised such flagrant disregard for this house’s natural beauty and wonders,” said David Landsnay, one of the house’s residents. “It’s a travesty that he could have done something as senseless and cruel as removing a 6-foot pile of smelly garbage from the place that we live and eat.”
Mourners have flocked to the site ever since the night of its destruction.
“It’s hard to say what the best part about it was,” said Pablo Luis, another resident of the house. “It may have been the pitiable pickle pile or the moldy mounds of matzo that so enchanted me. But most would agree that the whole of Trash Mountain was so much more than any individual sweating bag of old potatoes or ranch-stained napkin wad.”
“I had all these lofty dreams of my future with Trash Mountain,” Luis said. “I was going to show my future kids Trash Mountain, and teach them what was possible with a little lack of effort and a complete disregard for normal standards of cleanliness.”
“I am fucking devastated,” Luis added.
Alec Brine, the house’s fourth roommate, shed a tear as he remembered the site’s past glory.
“Every time I see that tepid pool of beer and water where Trash Mountain used to be, I’m reminded of the void that has been left in its absence. One thing’s for sure, though: life won’t be or smell the same around here for at least a few months.”
