Panic struck the Budweiser manufacturing plant last Thursday as trace amounts of beer were discovered in the water during its final stages of production before being bottled. “During a routine inspection of the sanitization stage, the water tested positive for beer. We made sure to remove the entire batch from production, but we’re unsure how […] Read more
In the latest of what promises to be an ongoing story, UNL chancellor Harvey Perlman has recently taken to calling himself “Harvey Stardust” and is insistent that students and staff do the same. What began with the simple rebranding of his Twitter account, @Harvey_Perlman has now blossomed into a full-scale reinvention of his clothing, makeup […] Read more
Chuck Hagel’s contentious 58-41 Senate confirmation to the position of Secretary of Defense may seem like the end of a controversial journey to the White House. Hagel still faces the most difficult part of our Democratic process, known as “The Initiation.” “The Initiation” is a set of challenges, ranging from simple tests of patriotism to […] Read more
Late Friday evening, one of Lincoln’s most admired mud puddles was marred by an unfortunate encounter with a pair of women’s Ugg boots as they trampled over the mixture of soil and water. The owner of the mud puddle, a homeless man by the name of Amos, expressed outrage at the incident. “Son of a […] Read more
Dale Goonwitch doesn’t mind working as much as he used to. In fact, he minds very little at all as of late. “My soul has been off for the past four months,” Goonwitch said. “I feel better. I mean, not better, but at least not worse.” Goonwitch is an assistant manager at Bags of Stuff, […] Read more
With the Pinnacle Bank Arena’s unveiling merely months away, worries have fallen on Coach Tim Miles. Will next year’s team be capable of competing in Big Ten play, or more importantly, paying the electric bill? Ladies and gentlemen, fret no more; Nebraska Basketball has a new team member. Jane Svobota, once infamously known as “Blue […] Read more
In a humbling turn of events, a giant sinkhole swallowed the well-to-do town of Pride, Louisiana early Saturday morning. The event occurred shortly after several residents were heard boasting about the town’s lack of natural disasters. The town previously sat on a geographic pedestal, looking down upon the neighboring towns. “It’s actually kinda nice to […] Read more
Officials were stunned last weekend when a refrigerator won the River City Marathon in Sacramento, California on Sunday. The refrigerator won the race with a time of 1:59:48, shattering the previous world record and stunning fans everywhere. “I never thought I’d see a refrigerator win a marathon,” said Joe Johnson, a spectator at the race […] Read more
Two weeks ago Pope Benedict XVI, frontman for religious organization The Catholic Church, announced his resignation, citing “creative differences” with the popular act. In the wake of this announcement the Pope has unveiled plans to put more focus on his self-titled solo project. Although a number of his lo-fi home-recorded sermons have been floating around […] Read more
President Barack Obama earlier this week vetoed a formal request from his oldest daughter Malia, 14, to go to dinner and a movie with one of her male classmates, instead electing to suspend her privilege of dating indefinitely. The official decision came merely seconds after the question was initially proposed, with the President adopting a […] Read more
