Lil’ Red, beloved mascot of Nebraska Cornhusker athletics, was hospitalized today after he lost a short and tragic battle with an Office Depot brand stapler. The stapler in question, purchased by an unnamed graduate assistant for the athletic department in 2010, was immediately taken into custody by campus police and is expected to be charged […] Read more
Amidst a collection of red solo cups and beer cans left behind from a “serious rager,” Zach Nigel and Matt Stiller, members of a UNL fraternity, made a shocking discovery. Stiller told us the story of the discovery. “We were just hanging out and fresh meat Nigel goes, ‘Tell me that doesn’t look like His […] Read more
Publishing a newspaper is harder than you might think. You, dear reader, might think that being satirical is easy and fun. Just change things around, make it ironic or catchy, make up a few names, hit the magic “publish” button and lo and behold, a paper is born. You also may or may not have […] Read more
For the 237th year in a row, white people are upset about nonsense and aren’t going to take it anymore. Dating back to when a slight increase in a tea tax led to a full-scale revolution, America has built a storied history of white folks getting real pissed off about shit. The most recent injustice […] Read more
In the aftermath of a catastrophic loss amongst Hispanic voters last November, GOP lawmakers have expressed a new interest in courting the key voting bloc, an effort they have dismissed in the past. At the forefront of this movement is Republican senator and Cuban-American Marco Rubio. Hailing from Florida, Rubio is well versed in the […] Read more
New reports have surfaced revealing that Jesus, the religious figure said to have died for mankind’s sins, preferred Pepsi rather than Coke. Earlier this week, a group of archaeologists uncovered ancient scrolls in a cave near the Mediterranean Sea in which Jesus is recorded raving about Pepsi’s superior taste as well as Coca-Cola’s inability […] Read more
Hey ladies. It’s mid-February—a time to celebrate love and intimacy. The best way to lure in and capture the one you’ve got your eye on is to foster an attachment so strong and close that your Valentine will never, ever, ever leave you. We all know I’ve got Rihanna hanging out on the side, […] Read more
Hello, sir or madam; I understand we are now to be partners in “Monopoly,” the grand game of capitalism so dear to the American heart. I am new to the region, having replaced that terribly gauche iron beast, and am pleased to offer my services as board marker. My dear chum Mr. Pennybags has told […] Read more
At a local coffee shop, student Calvin Shaw was seen reading Jack Kerouac’s “On the Road” and looking, as other patrons described him, “pretty deep.” Shaw reportedly spends his time here alternating every few minutes between reading intently and “just staring off into space,” his mind filled with ostensibly insightful thoughts and observations on the […] Read more
James Chesterfield is a man of modest height with a pleasant demeanor. Unfortunately, for the past two and a half years, neither of those traits has led him to find employment. Things might soon be changing, though, as Chesterfield recently reported that his job interview at Hy-Vee “went well.” “It’s not the greatest paying job, […] Read more
