Smokey Bear, longtime mascot for the United States Forest Service, came under fire this weekend for advocating that children start using chewing tobacco. His new slogan, “Only Snuff Can Prevent Forest Fires,” is beginning to fill billboards, TV commercials, and magazine advertisements across the country. The new campaign, though promoting the same goal of preventing […] Read more
Students and acquaintances Jennifer Laus and Donald Gibbs are engaged in a palpable level of sexual tension, according to Gibbs. Gibbs and Laus met in Biology 101 during their freshmen year and have since gone from a “simple friendship” to “fostering a sexual tension as real as any sitcom ‘will they, won’t they’ couple,” claims […] Read more
Local man Richard Ducey, age 36, is a great American citizen. He votes, abides by the law, and even recycles when it’s convenient. Ducey believes in the United States Constitution wholeheartedly and will go to great lengths to protect the fundamental rights outlined in its pages. Some say, however, that Richard Ducey is taking the […] Read more
Siblings Johnny and Haley Smith are reporting today that after two long years, their daddy still has not returned from his trip to heaven. After reportedly leaving in an “underground spaceship,” Haley and Johnny’s daddy has yet to make any contact with them — they are unable to confirm any possible return date. The pair […] Read more
Information surfaced this weekend that members of the parking enforcement agencies of Lincoln, both campus- and city-wide “Park & Go,” are reportedly of demonic origin. The Satanic personnel, who appear at what has been found to be the statistically worst possible times, look like average humans. However, according to multiple youth sources, these staffers are […] Read more
In a not-so-stunning change of heart, Nebraska Governor Dave Heineman has approved a “sexy” new route for the TransCanada Keystone XL pipeline. Heineman had previously halted construction on the controversial pipeline over environmental concerns that the route would cut through Nebraska’s Sandhills. TransCanada responded by rerouting the pipeline to avoid the Sandhills, but the new […] Read more
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, not usually one for grand pronouncements, unveiled a sweeping overhaul of the league Sunday in a surprise press conference. After brief comments on player safety and how human-like Bill Bellichick was looking in that suit today, the Commissioner revealed the true reason for the meeting. “The NFL is proud to name […] Read more
In a rare crowd-pleasing announcement, Governor Dave Heineman stated his plans to freeze tuition at all Nebraska state colleges and universities on Friday. When asked how he plans to pay for the $50 million proposal, Heineman stated that he was “pretty sure” the revenue could be raised by cutting taxes. “Everyone knows that when you […] Read more
Perhaps one of the traits that endeared me to the Athletic administration is my reserved demeanor. “This department already has enough characters,” I can imagine them saying, “and we don’t need someone who’s going to rock the boat.” That’s where I come in. You don’t know me, and yet you do know me. I’m your […] Read more
Yesterday evening, a pedestrian reportedly took fucking forever to cross the street. Sources report that the pedestrian had no respect for any of the motorists selflessly waiting at the intersection of 14th and “O” Street during rush hour, and select motorists took extreme offense. “He really was just being an asshole for the sake of […] Read more
