After nearly a month of meaninglessness, UNL senior Ryan Bonatree, has regained sentience as his final semester at the university commences. Three and a half weeks of dive bars, Halo 4, and those Christmas tree Little Debbie cakes have taken a major toll on the senior: he hasn’t had one conscious thought since he handed […] Read more
Officials from the Centers for Disease Control were stunned earlier this week by an outbreak of mild cough cases that have swept across the United States. The CDC reported earlier this week that cases of the mild cough have been found in all 50 states, with over 104,680,925,002 hospitalizations reported. Confirmed deaths are estimated at […] Read more
After close to five years of deliberation, the NCAA has officially announced the vacation of the entire George W. Bush presidency and the nullification of every record he set while in office. While some of the records the former former president set, like the most word misuses in speeches, will not be missed, others may […] Read more
After a disappointing slide in performance landed the New York Giants out of the playoffs, Archie Manning, famous New Orleans Saints quarterback and father of Giants quarterback Eli Manning, has demanded a DNA test for his youngest son. The Giants’ typical November slump may have doomed them more than in past years, as the team […] Read more
Enough is enough. I’m fed up with this liberal media witch hunt. I’ve never done anything to you that you didn’t emphatically deserve. Consider your leftist heart spared by my conglomerate, News Corporation, which has allowed your pathetic little insect existence for as long as it has. It’s one thing when you schedule an appointment […] Read more
Sometimes life gives you lemons, but this is not one of those timesxdss. I didn’t have a snrokk like ESPN reportedsdf. I was at home, eating my customary meal of fifteen steaks, and I decided to take a nap where I was sitting. You can ask my widfes and she’ll tell you the same; sometimes […] Read more
Breaking an oath of secrecy, numerous NFL players have spoken about a fantasy league made up of everyday people that’s been running since August. “Fantasy is fun for everyone else,” said Andy Dalton, quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals. “We get the shaft. Who doesn’t want to have fun? We play a dumb game all day. […] Read more
When news of Disney purchasing the right to the “Star Wars” franchise first broke, many wondered if another Star Wars re-release could be in the works. So the news of yet another George Lucas special edition filled with minor tweaks should come as a shock to few, but the film’s topicality may stir controversy. Pockets […] Read more
Sources in Washington D.C. have released several statements indicating that key players in the United States military are expressing a growing discontent with the depletion of funding for the nation’s armed forces. “We can’t be expected to get by on this kind of fascist budget restriction,” said Navy Admiral Stewart Frost. “Every year they’re loosening […] Read more
Even in an increasingly muddled Middle East, the Israel-Palestinian conflict is a very complex struggle; each side is burdened with thousands of years of religious, cultural and political differences. Despite a recent ceasefire, he conflict is unlikely to be fully resolved any time soon and will only grow in intensity as various nations and political […] Read more
