After a grueling campaign, the fate of the Affordable Care Act, also known as “Obamacare,” has been determined; it will become law of the land. Nebraska Governor Dave Heineman has been dealing with the emotional toll this news has brought him, and has found that “Obamacare” is an exceptional safe word for his BDSM (Bondage, […] Read more
With the fall semester coming to an end, students can look forward to a new option for their spring schedules. Blink 182 will be offered as a new course at University of Nebraska-Lincoln, and students will be able to count the class as part of the ACE 7 curriculum. The class, which is more advanced […] Read more
Just days after Rutgers and Maryland joined the Big Ten conference, it has come out that there will be a 15th member as well. Dog University was formed by seven stray dogs that wander around in a pack in Doon, Iowa. Within two days of their formation, Dog University was offered an invitation to join […] Read more
Okay. So ever since Sandy came to town, everyone’s been acting like a little bitch. Especially when I said that I don’t think the government should be responsible for cleanup. Sorry, I don’t want to be Sandy’s mother and clean up her mess. I have better things to do, like, I don’t know, win a motherfucking presidential […] Read more
By Barack Obama A guy shouldn’t ask for a lot in life, and I don’t think I have. Honestly. A nice gift from my wife here, the leadership of the entire free world there- it’s not much, really. I just don’t think I get enough thanks for the work I do. I mean, that […] Read more
Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III may be the top-producing player in ESPN’s standard-scoring NFL fantasy leagues, but local enthusiast Leroy Watson says he still isn’t convinced of Griffin’s talent. Watson, a 39 year-old car mechanic, told a lady at the bar who was too polite to walk away that he’s “a huge Chiefs fan” who therefore […] Read more
Following another unconventional comeback win on the road against Michigan State, the Blackshirts have announced they are finally ready to start learning the second half of the playbook. “We got the first part down pretty well, I think,” said Aaron Curry, a defensive back. “Like, we know all of the plays there. I want to […] Read more
Historically, the Electoral College’s 538 members have been staffed with people respected for their strength within their respective parties. Many are given the honor based on a long history of leadership or personal affiliation with the candidates. This year, however, children’s network Nickelodeon intervened in an attempt to give the power back to the kids. […] Read more
Emergency operators in Des Moines, Iowa received a flood of calls late Saturday evening when a four-car pileup obstructed the overpass intersection the I-80 and I-35 interstates. Dessert store manager Sally Wilcox was on the scene of the accident, witness to the horrific incident. “I could not believe my eyes. Everything was in slow motion,” […] Read more
Another election day has arrived, and citizens from sea to shining sea are eager to head to their local polling station and cast their ballot for a variety of elections. As they do every four years, however, citizens first stopped and consulted the nation’s wizened old men. Shortly after sunrise, the old men gathered their […] Read more
