In a shocking announcement Wednesday, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Honors Program revealed that they were officially spooked out of Neihardt.
“After over 25 years of residing in this building, the Honors Program administrators and I have agreed that Neihardt is far too spooky of a building for our staff and students,” explained Honors Program director Patrice McMahon from the Honors Program office in Neihardt.
“Despite the building’s beautiful exterior, welcoming community and comfortable rooms, we must now admit that the atmosphere of Neihardt is too eerie for our program,” she continued, as the overhead lighting flickered slightly.
McMahon went on to say that the Honors Program’s new residences would be across the street from Neihardt, in the far less menacing Knoll Residential Center.
“Knoll has all the amenities that today’s prospective honors students want,” explained McMahon. “These rooms include shared living spaces, private bathrooms, and are guaranteed to be free of all supernatural activity.”
“Our facilities office has also assured us that the walls in Knoll are far less likely to leak unearthly, glowing ectoplasm than those of Neihardt,” she added.
Although current students and alumni were saddened to hear the news, they were consoled by the announcement the Honors Program will not move completely out of Neihardt.
“We’d like to assure the entire honors community that all supernatural remnants of the Honors Program will remain in Neihardt,” McMahon explained. “The ghost of every honors students’ fallen GPA will remain in Neihardt for all eternity, as will every broken spirit that died in these hallowed halls.”
“This update will transition the Honors community into the twenty-first century,” McMahon explained as a soft but persistent scratching sound began to emanate from inside her office’s wall. “We’re grateful for this opportunity to move into an updated building with more space, additional amenities and fewer moans from the tortured spirits who died in these halls.”
Although all amenities now available in the Neihardt Honors Office will be moved to Knoll, it remained unclear if the documents in the thesis library will remain soggy with ectoplasm for all eternity.
