Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. What, me? I was just composing my next girl-meets-boy pop song. It’s just something I do in my spare time, as I’m awkward and can never live out my dreams of being with the cutest guy in high school. It’s truly a shame that these fanciful love stories never come true.

Wait, what’s that? You say that your girlfriend was brutally murdered? And her body spread in bits throughout your high school? Yes, I can imagine it was quite traumatic to have found her severed head in your locker. And you don’t even want to tell me where her breasts were found? It’s probably for the best, my delicate little ears couldn’t handle it.

And she was the head cheerleader? I surely didn’t know that. Who will lead the student body in rhythmic and peppy but ultimately useless chants now? This is a loss that is truly devastating to the community.

Well, I know that as the clumsy-yet-cute girl next door type, you probably don’t want my sympathy. After all, you are the quarterback on our football team and one of the most popular kids in school. But just know that, if you need it, I’m here for you. As you know I don’t really have a whole lot to do because I have few friends and I excel in all school subjects.

You know, why don’t you come sit down for a while? Here, why don’t you drink this? It’s just some hot cocoa with mint I made for myself this morning. What? I had no idea that it was your favorite drink, too!

What a happy coincidence. Drink up, drink up. It’ll help you focus. Don’t worry, the tears will soon wipe away the blood stains. Oh, I see, you got those from the way it was splattered along the walls? That’s truly barbaric.

You’re starting to feel woozy? Oh no! It all must be hitting you. It’s true she’s dead and gone, and you’ll never hear her perfect laugh again. And you were planning on going to the same college? This just gets worse and worse.

Things are starting to blur? The stress must be so difficult. Though you know, she probably never really loved you. She was probably cheating on you.

You’re looking really sick now. Why don’t you come home with me? My strict yet kind-hearted father is gone for the weekend, and my mother left the family when I was young, leaving me with no female role models. We’ll be the only ones there, and you’ll be safe from all the prying eyes and questions.

It’s a good idea. Come, get in my adorable cherry red pick-up truck. You’ll be safe with me.

Safe with me.