Sasha! Malia! Would you two please stop fighting! I swear to all that is holy, if you don’t shut up I will turn this country around right now! Do you really want that?

First, I’ll start chipping away at the healthcare reform. Don’t think I won’t do it! Next, I’ll take away the gun control. Do you want to die alone in the streets with no health insurance when some wannabe thug busts a cap in your ass? Didn’t think so.

I swear if you girls can’t start getting along, I’ll bring back bin Laden. Yeah, I said it. Bin friggin’ Laden. You thought he was dead, didn’t
you? Well, he’s not, and if you two can’t learn to get along, you’ll have a lot more to worry about than the boogie man and fiscal reform.

It’s headache after headache on these damn road trips. I don’t want to hear about your damn boy problems and I can’t handle all your incessant nagging. Keep it zipped before I start shipping soldiers back to Iraq. By the tens of thousands they’ll go to that sand filled hellhole. And it’ll be all. your. fault. Now quiet your shit down and start shaping up, or that’s what’ll happen!

Kids these days.

And for crying out loud Michelle, would you lend me a hand on this? Hello? Michelle, what in the wide world of sports are you listening to now? Not that “Fifty Shades of Grey” on audiobook! Again!? If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: we are NOT going to try fisting!