For many students attracted to the tantalizingly scholarly programs, the UNL Honors Program can provide ample opportunities and succulent resume-building. But for one particularly ambitious incoming student, the Honors Program provides a different sort of ample and succulent opportunity.
For incoming freshman economics major Herman Kahl, the carrot on the stick that drove him to join Honors was the free printing, according to initial reports.
“Yeah…yeah, I can’t wait for the free printing at Neihardt,” said Kahl. “Oh, the added academic prestige? Sure, that’s cool. But it’s really all about the free printing.”
“I mean, I have to buy my own paper – and I’ll have to buy a lot for my little pet project, you might call it,” continued Kahl. “But it’s much cheaper than if I had to pay for printing at another dorm or if I bought my own printer…at least I think so? Whatever.”
“I’m going to take full advantage of my free printing for all it’s worth, you can be sure of that,” concluded Kahl.
Upon further investigation, the Dailyer learned that Kahl truly did hold extreme fixation on education.
After paying crack muckraking reporter and younger brother of Herman Kahl, ten-year old Timmy Kahl, to dig up more information, what he found was what appeared to be pages upon pages of aggressively erotic Mythbusters fan-fiction.
The deeply-sexual Word Document files, stored away onto Kahl’s flash-drive, based off of the popular Discovery Channel show and depicted chapters as well as comics where the show’s stars and main engineers Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman delved into unspeakable sexual myths.
“It was horrible yet interesting at the same time,” said reporter and Mythbusters fan Klyde Liedman. “At first, everyone was all like ‘Jesus Christ!’ when they saw Adam demean Jamie emotionally and sexually as they were discovering whether a rectum expands with exposure to watermelon juice was a myth or a fact. But it was definitely what erotic fan-fiction of “Mythbusters” would be like, and I love the show, so I guess he accomplished something.”
In fact, upon discovering what Kahl had conceived from his love of legends about physics and technology, many felt that he acted with more wisdom and public awareness than meets the eye.
“Lots of people enjoy the show, so he’s not going to have any difficulties finding an audience,” said father Reese Kahl. “He’s really going to use the UNL Honors Program for what he’s fully capable of, and I’m proud to call him my son.”
