Lincoln’s Street Maintenance Division has been extremely busy for the last couple of months, trying to find an answer to the city’s deepening pothole problems.
“Yeah, potholes are, like, everywhere now. My mother-in-law blew out a tire the other day,” Mark Donner, Lincoln’s Road Maintenance Supervisor said as he lifted an Oreo out of his glass of milk.
Donner’s last few months have been incredibly busy, with countless hours being spent on video games and showering strippers with taxpayer dollars.
“I’m currently playing this game called Demon’s Souls. I’m having trouble getting past the part with the dragon in the first level. My wife likes to watch, but I usually have to send her back into my office to finishing replying to formal complaints and petitions written against me,” Donner said.
The Lincoln Cemetery has recognized the absurd incompetence of Donner’s “Street Maintenance”, and hopes to stifle the public’s moaning of the phrase “Fill our holes!”
The cemetery is proposing to fill the potholes with human remains covered in a neat layer of tar.
Butch Huck, the resident gravedigger, explained how the most challenging part will be filling potholes that aren’t human-shaped, “Mostly I’ll just have my dog Sherman pull the suckers apart. Other times we’ll have to settle for infant bodies to fill the really tight holes.”
When asked how they will mask the odor of repaving Lincoln streets with corpses, Huck shrugged, “You get used to it.”
Of course, more tax money will be needed to make Lincoln’s pothole nightmare cease, but most citizens are willing to pay a few extra bucks to fill any and every hole possible. The prospect of smoother roads will not only put Lincoln drivers in a better mood, but it will undoubtedly make the act of road head safer and more enjoyable.
