Council Bluffs, Iowa resident Pat Helwig, who didn’t believe that chemotherapy could cure him, died of testicular cancer yesterday, just three months after being diagnosed.

Helwig, who believed that all medical approaches to life should be natural and that everything else was “pseudoscience,” stated that all he needed to do to cure his cancer was to change his diet, eating nothing but grass from his lawn and drinking Sunny Delight only between the hours of one and three in the morning.

“We tried to talk him out of it, but he said we had no idea what we’re talking about… that we were just pseudoscientists doing whatever the government told us to do,” Dr. Mike Bexon said.

“He trusted us to diagnose his problem, just not to solve it.”

Even on his death bed, Helwig wouldn’t admit that chemotherapy would have saved him or at least prolonged his life, telling his family that the only reason he didn’t die sooner was because he ignored what his doctor had to say.

“If I had listened to them, that chemotherapy would have killed me faster than a…” Helwig said before dying.

Helwig’s mother grieved most of the afternoon but stated that it was nice to no longer have to hear about how chemotherapy was the government’s way of weeding out the unintelligent.

“I’m sad he’s gone, but at least I’ll never have to hear about how prescription drugs are actually just GPS trackers that the government uses to spy on people,” Mrs. Helwig said.

“They say there’s no such thing as social darwinism, but if you knew my son, I think you’d say there is.”