When Governor Dave Heineman signed a Nebraskan Stand Your Ground bill into law on Monday evening, no one could have predicted that there would be tragic consequences. The new self-defense-law, intended to make Nebraskans feel safer when around life threatening situations or black teenagers, has instead lead to a massacre of several thousand University cyclists.

For nearly thirty-five minutes, the act seemed to work as planned with complaints about irresponsible bikers at an all time low. However, the peace only lasted until the 11:20 lunch break at which point the pile of bodies with incredible calves outside of Love Library became too large to ignore. At this point, no form of wheeled vehicle was safe from the mobs of self-defended students.

“We should have anticipated this,” says Omaha lawyer Scott Handell. “A campus full of terrible bikers, unaware kids walking to class while texting…it was just a recipe for disaster. But I mean, who hasn’t wanted to fire a couple rounds into the back of every jerk with a ten-speed that nearly ran them off the sidewalk? Now we can. Personally I’ve never felt safer, but we have hundreds of dead freshmen piling up per hour too. It was a bad idea in retrospect.”

The Board of Regents has made several personal appeals to Governor Heineman to stop this cycle of self-defense blood shed, but their words fell on deaf ears.

“The only thing that can stop a bad guy on a long board is a good guy with a gun. A better-defended Nebraska is a better state and if these kids want to bike with impudence they can feel free to do it in a shittier state. “

The issue threatens to grow beyond even the Governor’s control. Other members of the Big 10 have taken notice and fear that a campus where bikers are shot on site may hurt the prestigious organization’s reputation or even give the impression that Big 10 schools don’t care about their students’ well being. Chancellor Perlman assured worried alumni that this violent conflict and loss of confidence is nothing that a few “stand-your-ground because #YOLO” videos couldn’t solve.