There’s been a lot of information swirling around lately about exercise and how everyone should exercise. I’m going to cut through the noise and tell you all you need to know about exercise. Don’t.

It was only a few short weeks ago when I found myself making the mistake of exercising. Before I could say “Crossfit” I had broken four ribs and bones around my eye. Since then, it’s my mission to save America from itself.

You’re probably going to hear a lot different message from Michelle Obama. She’ll be telling your kids to make sure they exercise, but she doesn’t know how many great Americans this country has lost to working out. George Washington, Betsy Ross, Mark Twain, Vanilla Ice. Imagine if any one of these geniuses didn’t have their beautiful life cut short by the gym.

I myself almost joined the ranks of these esteemed Americans, but it is not my time yet and neither is it yours.

You might say you’re doing something safe to exercise, but there truly is no safe exercise. Who will save you when you suffocate inside your yoga mat? What about when your chest gets crushed by a 15 pound dumbbell?

What’s that, you say you go walking? Haven’t you heard of Dr. Atkins? All that dieting to avoid a heart attack and the man died falling on ice on the sidewalk. Don’t go for a walk unless you’ve got some great life insurance.

There are a few easy changes that you can implement to protect yourself and your family. If you have the opportunity to take the stairs, take the elevator, even if it takes longer. If you ride your bike to work or school, try throwing it in the garbage instead. If your son is on his school’s soccer team, pull him out immediately and buy that boy an Xbox One.

So, my fellow Americans, I urge you, embrace your stomach. Love that weird flab beside your arm. Because it’s sure better than a horrible death at the hands of the elliptical machine.