Christina Aguilera shocked the world last Sunday when she released an upgraded version of the American National Anthem at Super Bowl XLV.

“I just thought to myself, if I can make the word ‘brave’ last for 45 seconds, I can probably make up some new lyrics for our country’s anthem,” Aguilera explained. “I figured it would be a really good move for my career. In the entertainment business, you always have to be innovating, which is what I try to do in my songs.”

So when the talented Christina Aguilera finished singing, “Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight,” she continued with “You are beautifu-u-u-u-l, no matter what they say.” She also took to referring to the “star-spangled banner” as a “genie in a bottle, baby.”

When asked if she thought this tweak might hurt her credibility, Aguilera responded with a laugh. “Have you seen my movie, Burlesque? I didn’t think so. Really though, it was pretty bad. So I was just like, I’m just going to do what I do best, and make popular music more relatable to the great people of this country. What’s a rampart, anyway? I sure as hell don’t know.”

Aguilera has been famous since the early Nineties for her ability to make a one-syllable word into a multisyllabic orgy of letter sounds. As a teen-idol turned sex symbol of a generation, the recently clean-cut Aguilera seemed an obvious choice to sing the national anthem at the exciting Super Bowl XLV.

“We do not regret the choice to have Christina sing the National Anthem prior to the Super Bowl,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell declared during the post-game festivities. “She’s hip, right? Oh, she isn’t… Oh, well. Either way, this organization stands behind her decision to totally screw the song representative of all things American. And anyway, she was really just an opener for the greatest and most exciting Super Bowl in the history of the NFL, the greatest commercials known to humankind, and a half-time show full of unrivaled modern artistry. Because that stuff was all good, right?”