The annual release of Starbucks’ pumpkin spice latte is an event typically met with mild interest and casual curiosity. But local loser Scott Phillips is no typical man. In fact, if unconfirmed reports from sources close to Phillips are to be believed, he is an “unbelievably pathetic excuse for a man with no redeeming qualities.” What is an insignificant event to most becomes a year-round buildup and celebration of commercial espresso blends with just a hint of spice flavoring for the depressing area man.

Phillips, a truly wretched 20-something, says that he likes to use the event as a means to connect to his friends and family and enjoy a reasonably priced drink with unreasonable flavor. Inundating his sparse friend list with updates about the local availability of pumpkin spice lattes and the amount of saturated fat in a venti, Phillips continues the process of slowly driving away anyone with even a passing interest in his life.

Even Starbucks’ employees are getting sick of his bullshit. Says Lincoln manager Nick McNulty, “Sure, we appreciate any paying customer, but Scott just takes it to an inappropriate level. The unabashed satisfaction he gets from sprinkled nutmeg is just nauseating. If we catch him taking another sepia photo of his scones we’ll be forced to eject him from the premises.”

“I just love the pumpkin spice latte! It’s feisty, fun and full of fall spirit,” proclaims Scott Phillips to anyone unfortunate enough to be nearby. “It just brings everyone together, and it’s pretty good-tasting to boot. In fact, it’s all I live for. I guess you could say I love Starbucks ‘a-latte!’’’

Letting loose a mild chuckle at his unbelievably terrible pun, Scott then proceeded to clasp his mug with both hands, take a slow sip and let out a disgustingly self-contented sigh. What a chump.