Mass began last week at the recently opened Newman Center on the University of Nebraska-Lincoln city campus, and attendees quickly noticed a lot of upgrades from the old facility.

More seating, better sound systems, and larger office space are just a few of the noticeable upgrades to the church, but some of the changes left a number of early churchgoers a little puzzled.

“Yeah, I think the changes are really nice, but I can’t get over how they managed to fit all of those luxury boxes in here,” said Robert Brown, a senior at UNL. “Like, I understand texting my buddies and watching the game on my phone during church, but sitting in comfortable chairs with free drinks? It’s like, what’s the point of going to church if you’re going to do that, you know?”

In addition to the new luxury boxes, the new VIP lounge is turning some heads too. The church defends the new additions to the Newman Center, citing the need to remain innovative and competitive.

“People have choices for where they spend their entertainment dollar, and we need to keep that money here in the church,” Father Mark said. “People are not coming to church, they’re blowing money on booze and drugs. Hell, Pinnacle Bank Arena has that douche Joel Osteen coming to town. The few people who are still going to church are going to more youth-based parishes. We have to compete if we want to win.”

The state-of-the-art VIP lounge features two large projection screens to broadcast football games from the church’s NFL Sunday Ticket package, as well as smaller TVs showing the Mass going on downstairs. The exclusive room also has free snacks, an open bar, and a live DJ on weekends.

When asked about whether or not he would try to acquire a VIP lounge pass, which requires a minimum $10,000 tax-deductible offering to the church, Brown said he hadn’t made up his mind.

“Maybe if they get free Wi-Fi in there, I’ll consider it,” he said.