Every Presidential race promises ups and downs for the nominees, and the 2012 race has been no exception. Only three weeks from the finale, the candidates still continue to struggle for a clear lead in the polls. The resounding success of Mitt Romney in the first Presidential debate may have damaged Obama’s standing, but he is only down, not yet out. In a strategic play after his Tuesday night debate, Obama made the bold move of embracing his Republican opponent’s accusations. This week will mark an unprecedented turning point in the race as Obama begins to openly target the Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan Anti-Christ voting demographic.
After avoiding and denying the numerous circulating claims about his past, the President has finally decided to run with the rumors. New York Times election analyst Nate Silver is of the opinion that Obama’s new game plan has completely flipped the board.
“In the history of Presidential races, no one has so boldly sought the Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan Anti-Christs’ vote. I mean sure, some guys like FDR and Van Buren have gone after Socialists or Anti-Christs, but no one has ever approached all of them at once. This is incredible and will change the way future candidates go after the Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan, Anti-Christ bloc. Mark my words.”
While the Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan Anti-Christ is a crucial voting bloc, it is an overwhelmingly small one. In fact it consists of only one man, Chad Phillips of southern Florida. Obama campaign organizer Jim Messina has assembled a portfolio about every aspect of Chad’s life in order to better tailor ads to suit his voting interests and lust for the death of innocents.
“At the Obama head offices we’ve made an index of every forwarded email and message board concerning Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan, terroristic Anti-Christs. You see, even though he’s the Devil’s spawn, he still prays daily to Mecca and cares about unequal wealth distribution. We couldn’t find Chad’s birth certificate, so we assume he was born in Kenya, but we’ll also set up some billboards to appeal to his possible Indonesian heritage. Chad is a unique voting bloc and needs to be treated as such. His cruel bat talons are yet undecided, and could mean the difference between victory and agonizing defeat. After the millions we’ve invested in “Chad ads” it’s hard to see how Romney could win the Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan, Anti-Christ vote this late in the race.”
Despite Messina’s belief in an Obama monopoly on the Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan Anti-Christ market, Romney has refused to roll over. Rescinding his former statements and birthplace, the GOP challenger has now announced that he is also a Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan Anti-Christ. The two candidates have been reduced to sitting outside of Chad’s house and throwing promises and Che Guevara shirts at his hell gate.
As both men further entrench themselves as Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan Anti-Christs to win the favor of Chad Phillips, the US will continue to shine as a beacon for the eternal beauty of the two-party system. God bless America and God bless Chad Phillips, the horrific undecided demon.