Mere months following the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s 150th birthday, Oldfather leaves town with no real warning. In the space where he used to sit is a rectangular hole in the ground with a note written in the mud that reads, “Went to the store to buy cigarettes” followed by “Don’t wait up.” 

This message was, of course, misleading, Oldfather having been gone for two weeks already. During a press conference last week, UNL questioned the crowd between sobs, “How long does it take for a ten-story building to walk to a Casey’s?”  

Two days ago, new evidence arose with several eyewitnesses stepping forward with their accounts of what happened the night Oldfather disappeared. According to Avery, he stood up and walked away in the middle of the night, telling Burnett, “I’ve always liked blondes better.” 

Memorial Stadium told us that as he was passing her, Oldfather tried to cop a feel and said, “I’ll never forget you, Memmy.” 

Before leaving city campus and making his way to some other unfortunate city, a witness spotted Oldfather visiting the grassy knoll behind Neihardt where his lover, Cather Pound, used to stand. He was crying through his leaky pipes and saying, “It should have been me. I knew you were lesbian, but I loved you. Now they replaced you with a JFK assassination memorial.” Before running away, as a building does, Oldfather sprayed his asbestos on the green space, killing the grass and future pedestrians. 

On UNL’s birthday in February, Oldfather bought her a red bicycle with a bell and promised to help her learn how to ride without the training wheels. Now, Uni will never learn, already at the embarrassing age of 150 years old. UNL told us, “Maybe I’ll just get one of those electric scooters that football players ride around until my dad comes back.”